Barb's MS Journey

In You, I Am Strong

8/14/2020

In You, I Am Strong
By Barb Berens
08/14/2020

Just being with You,
I am healed
Just Your touch
And I'm made whole

My demolished heart
Swaddled in Your embrace
Becomes like new
And I can love again

You give me purpose
You give me joy
You give me understanding
And a
Never-ending,
Never-failing,
Never-less-than relationship

With You, I can stand anything,
With You, I am secure,
With You, I’m never left wanting
With You, I am strong.

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My Dis-Ease is Gone

8/14/2020

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Psalm 103 The Passion Translation (TPT)
Our Father’s Love
King David’s song of praise

1 With my whole heart, with my whole life,
and with my innermost being,
I bow in wonder and love before you, the holy God!

2 Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration.
How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness
you’ve done for me?

3 You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done.
You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease.

4 You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life.
You’ve crowned me with love and mercy.

5 You satisfy my every desire with good things.
You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again
like a flying eagle in the sky!

07/08/2020
I have been taking a Zoom class on the Psalms with Peninsula Covenant Church in Redwood City. The leader encouraged us to experiment writing our own psalms, and it has been a brilliant experience!

Yesterday I woke up not feeling well. My body wasn’t well and my mind was foggy. My ears were ringing loudly and my vision was poor. I had been thinking the night before that I would like to write a psalm based on Psalm 103:1-5. So I decided to read the Psalm to start my day.

As I read the verses, the phrase, “You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease”, I stopped and realized it disappointed me that I was miserable and wished it would go away. I thought, maybe I will go back to bed rather than attend the Peace in The Psalm Class. I forced myself to attend the class.

Peace In The Psalms began with a time of confession. The leader quoted Deuteronomy 11:13 Amplified Bible (AMP): “It shall come about, if you listen obediently and pay attention to My commandments which I command you today—to love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul [your choices, your thoughts, your whole being]”

And then shared with us an acronym of the word CONFESS she had created:
C= Christ
O= Obedience
N= Neighbor
F= Family
E= Everyone, The World
S= Supplication (when have I not asked for help)
S= Servant (when have I refused to be a servant of God)

She asked us to ask the LORD how we had offended or not fully obeyed Christ, when had we had offended our Neighbors, Family, the World, when had we not asked for help from God (supplication), trying to do it all ourselves, and when had we refused to serve the LORD. She let us have 10 minutes to spend in quiet.

Here is my journal from the time:
“Lord, I’m so tired today, I’m not thinking clearly, so please help me as I do this study, what do I need to confess?”

“The issue this morning is that I wanted to write a psalm based on Psalm 103, where ‘You heal all our diseases, and forgive all our sins, You redeem my life from the pit and crown me with love and compassion, You satisfy my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed like eagles’.”

“As I thought about the Psalm, I wasn’t feeling well. My belly is in trouble, I'm not seeing well, and my ears are ringing. So when I read You heal all my diseases, suddenly I realized I didn’t believe You, and I went to a dark place. All You have ever asked is for us to believe You, and I didn’t. Oh LORD! Forgive me please and help me please! Give me new understanding…”

“DIS-EASE”
“I no longer have dis-ease with You!! Though my body is weary, my emotions, soul, spirit and mind are renewed by Your love and compassion!”

It blew me away. To think that instead of disease, I had dis-ease with GOD Himself. He completely cured that! I have confidence to come before Him. He will never leave me or forsake me! He lives in me and I am His and He is mine. There is no separation between us because of what Jesus has done for us, for me! My brain fog lifted. I still didn’t feel well, so after class, I had lunch and went to sleep for a while. I am feeling better today, but I must still care for this body of mine, in the way God wants. He wants me more quiet than I used to be, not running around all over. I must obey Him or I am out for the count!

I shine in His Everlasting love!

My Dis-Ease is Gone
07/08/2020
By Barb Berens

Fog encompasses my brain,
Transporting me to a dismal corner
Disease expelling my energy, hearing and vision

I turn to Your Word, Your Truth
I read that You forgive all my sin,
You heal all my disease.
But… But.. Here I am.

I realize I don’t believe You.
When asked how to enter the Kingdom
Jesus said believe.
Help me believe!
Forgive me and help my unbelief!

My eyes fly open and Your Truth, transparent!
I no longer have disease. I no longer have Dis-Ease with You.

Roll out the Red Carpet!
My place is secure
My GOD is Faithful to keep me in His Care

My GOD’s Compassion washes over me
Cascading Grace and Hope through my soul
Your Presence, a testimony of Your Kindness.

You are my Rock when I am in a hard place
Yahweh is my Salvation, my Anchor when I am drifting
The LORD,
The GOD-Of-The-Angel-Armies is with me and for me.

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You Knew I Was Special...

10/12/2019

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2 - 5 out of 100,000
that's me...

I spoke with the Doctor Monday,
and then looked at my medical record.

It says I have Conversion Disorder with Mixed Symptoms.

You can read about it here:
https://www.psycom.net/conversion-disorder-definition-symptoms-and-treatment/

I think that it describes me quite well and hope for some good results from working with this medically and psychologically.

They say it used to be considered only a mental disorder, but now they understand it is physical as well. This affects 2-5 out of 100,000.

So MS is removed.

Migraines are removed.

PTSD is the order of the day!

My doc asked me to be open to various types of medicines and therapy. I said, of course.

Watch out.... there may be GROUP THERAPY!

I think I've been training for this my whole life!

I can't wait to meet the whole new group of people that I will encounter at Santa Rosa Kaiser Psychiatry!

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Pieces of My Life 02.12.2017

10/12/2019

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I just found this poem written in February of 2017.

Amazing how it is perfect for now.

Pieces of My Life
02.12.2017

Pieces of my life one by one
Dropping away,
Why leave so soon?

Each one a Grief
Each one a Loss
Always a take away,
Is that now my lot?

You never stay to say goodbye
My heart stones up
I heave big sighs,
and on my face I wear lies.

Why?

Why does this happen?
What is the deal?
I try, I work, I pray.
But pieces of me come and go
And always seem to stray.

Pieces of my heart
And of my mind
That transcend all
Like walking blind.

Pieces of my body,
Once fine and fair,
Pieces of my soul
That rip away and tear.

Can it be these pieces are
Together somewhere safe?
Waiting for the day
To return
To their rightful place?

Hear them falling
I can see them go
Never worry
Look below:

Each one fits
A lovely scene,
Forming the breath of Life
and filled with agony.

Can it be?
Is it true?
These pieces of me
Are all brand new.

To shape a life bit by bit
See every piece now tell
Of Fear and Anguish
Hope and Joy
Loss and Gifting
All make good soil.

Becoming a great big puzzle
Where all the lines still show
No trimming is necessary
Because they are all formed and fit
For me and me alone.

What once was torn
And bled a lot
Is placed with tender care
And what’s the glue
That seals the bond?
Each bump, each bruise, each tear.

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You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,watch the wicked turn into corpses.

9/25/2019

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My niece, Katie, and I are doing a devotional together online, using the YouVersion app called, “Remembering All God Has Done.” She lives far away from me, so it is delightful to connect with her in this way.

Today included Psalm 91:1-16, after the devotional that said this:
"Psalm 91 is a Psalm about God's faithfulness. In this psalm we read that God is our refuge, He is our fortress, He saves us, and He protects us.

This Psalm boils down to one simple fact: God is always faithful no matter the circumstances. He is there when times are good and when times are not so good. He is even there when you don't feel like He is.

Everybody's journey in life is different as they grow in Christ, but God's faithfulness is always the same. How have you experienced God's faithfulness throughout your life? Take time today to remember His faithfulness and how it has delivered you through the various stages of life. Thank God for His faithfulness and take comfort in knowing He will always be there for you."

Then I read the Psalm:

PSALMS 91:1-16 MSG
1-13You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, You’re my Refuge.
I trust in You and I’m safe!”
That’s right—He rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you--
under them you’re perfectly safe;
His arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God’s your Refuge,
the High God your very own Home,
Evil can’t get close to you,
harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered His angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
14-16“If you’ll hold on to Me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”

My response was this:
I want to stop and take this all in. When I think about the last few months, it was almost like it was happening around me rather than to me. I have no recollection of the pain at all, and it was severe. There I was, losing a function daily, and it had no affect on how I was inside. This is so odd to consider. We know things happen to people, that is a fact. So what does this scripture really mean?

I remember hearing a story about a woman who was tied up by a man whose aim was to hurt her and rob her. She calmly spoke to him, asking him why he was doing each thing. She actually led him to accept Jesus as his Savior and Lord. He untied her and together, they called the police. I have the feeling that even though it was happening to her, she was at peace, and it happened around her. That is the only explanation.

I remember when we were hit head on, I fell asleep just before it happened, and never experienced it.

When my mother died, I fell asleep just before it happened, and woke up and she was dead. I went to tell the nurses and they were dumbfounded, saying: “We just checked on both of you 5 minutes ago and you were both sleeping soundly.”

Even though those two events happened, I never experienced them.

I wonder if that is how the Lord works when we live in a time where evil abounds. When we read in Revelation about the end times, we surely will be affected. But He may give us the peace that passes understanding during the pressure of the times. Jesus said He would give us His peace, not the peace the world gives, but His peace, the peace that passes understanding.

I know one of the big things that I gained from being so sick was a solid belief that the Lord knows and takes care of everything.

I do not worry at all. With Al going back and forth between here and Redwood City every day, I could worry about him being killed on the freeway. I don’t. I would have before May, but I have total confidence in the Lord’s ability to provide everything I need, and I can trust Him to care for everything and everyone that I love. Having that moment by moment confidence in Him changes how I relate to everything. I am grateful for all things. I am grateful to Him, as He holds my life in His hands securely.

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PCC Live Podcast Response

9/1/2019

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I just finished listening to the PCC live podcast:
Gather
Grow
Give
Go

I loved that all of PCC from the 3 separate campuses met as ONE today. Many people put selfies on FaceBook from the sanctuary. So cool. I miss them all! I miss PCC Hudson, my family.

I have been plucked out of service in Redwood City and planted in Santa Rosa. I can already sense the mission that God has here. I am honored to spread His Grace and Love here.

I thought a lot about the subject of today’s message from Pastor Gary Gaddini: grow. How are you growing? What is your plan to grow? He spoke about how if his daughter, now 17, had not grown since she was 10, Protective Services would be at their door. It’s not normal or okay to not grow. Yet in our Christian walk, sometimes we think it is fine to wait 10 years before we have a growth spurt. That is not normal or okay. So what is our part? Gary mentioned Grace and Grit. Grace is God’s part. Grit is ours. What are we doing? To what are we exposing ourselves? For what do we seem to have plenty of time, yet feel there is no time to grow in our Walk with Christ?

On May 20, I woke up and could not walk. That was phase one. Many phases continued including low vision, hearing loss, over sensitivity to everything, until I couldn’t move at all and experienced a 3 day hospital stay. I am still having symptoms, but I seem to be able to walk much better with a walker (when I think of it… hence, 3 falls this month). I have to watch my every move... I am not used to that nor do I care about how I am doing.

I have always been others-centered. The Lord has shown me that there is a balance: self aware AND others aware. Having been ill all of my life, I have learned to ignore myself because who wants to deal with it anyway? I am a very happy person. It takes a LOT to make me mad, and I am not envious or jealous. I just love everyone and everything. My family thought I was wrong for being this way. But I figure, they are the ones who created this, so get over it. My mother used to say in her “Wicked Witch of The West ‘AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO’” voice: “you just thing everyone is beautiful!” Yup. Guilty.

As I lay on the couch with a nice blankee this morning listening to the sermon, (and getting to see Gary’s face thrilled me), I considered my situation. I fell down the stairs yesterday, and got badly bruised. How can I grow as a Christian woman lying on the couch with ice bags and a blankee? The same way I always have: take time to listen, read and have wonderful conversations with my Father in Heaven.

I found my completely disabled time the most profitable in my Walk with Christ. I never felt sorry for myself. I didn’t understand what my body was doing, but closeness to my Heavenly Father was outstanding and overshadowed everything else.

Here I am mobile again. Do I have to lay flat and disabled to listen and grow? I hope not. I need to listen when I am okay. I need to listen when I am conversing with others. I need to listen when I am in public and when I am alone. When I am eating or cleaning the house, my inner ears need to be open and aware. So my grit is: train myself to listen in all circumstances.

My favorite verse is in the Message:
Philippians 4:13: “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”
The Amplified Version reads this way: “I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]”

The key is not me. The Key is Him. He strengthens me, He empowers me, He infuses me with inner strength, He gives me His confident peace and He is WITH me and FOR me. I have no other needs.

How did I grow during this last season? Several ways which I hope I will continue to embrace.

The crucial thought: “I have given you all you need to know and I love you enough to let you think for yourself.” I believe that is true of my relationship with others, and, how God works with all people. He lays out His plan, and says follow. At first, we do, then we don’t. He sends correction. We obey for a while, then we don’t. He sends His Son, and says, this is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we don’t. The next time He sends correction, it will be eternal. Better listen up!

What God says in His Word is TRUE. I do not have to worry about anything, He already knows what I need. There is a new song by Housefires, I’ll Give Thanks To God: “I'll give thanks to God, when I don't have enough, 'cause He's more than enough, and He knows what I need. So I'll give thanks to God, when I don't have enough, ‘cause He's more than enough, and He knows what I need.” He also knows what my family needs.

I truly understand what Pastor Gary always calls, “the no elbow zone”. I don’t have to make sure anyone hears what I hear or knows what I know, God is in charge of that! My job is to love and obey. He is the One who makes the miracles!

I can accept all people as the same. There are no differences in who we are. The outside has changed through experience, but the inside is still the same: a beautiful creation of God. God’s Word indicates behavior. He is the judge, not me. I welcome all into my life without hesitation. Those others find scary don’t frighten me. My life is in the Hands of the One who makes me who I am.

The visit to the hospital was divinely ordered. Al and I walked away from that experience knowing that we were supposed to be there and how other's lives were changed as a result. Hard to explain yet true.

I was removed from all activity and here I am. As I pay attention, I will understand fully. I can relax and let it happen. God knows, that is all that matters.

Al and I have visited a church twice. It was nice. Not sure where the Lord wants us. He will show us in time. I still can not drive, so I depend on others’ provision and kindness, especially Al’s.

I miss my friends, family and support system in Redwood City. Yet I know I am supposed to be here. There were no long goodbyes. Not even short goodbyes. Just there one day and here the next. One day maybe I will understand, or maybe I won’t. That is all in the Lord’s hands. I look forward to everyone visiting when the time is right.

Big lessons, big changes, bigger blessings and big growth in this little planting of the Lord.

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August 28th, 2019

8/28/2019

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My First BLT

8/20/2019

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My First BLT
Those of you who don't know me very well
will probably respond with REALLY?

Those who know me well will probably respond with:
You are SUCH a good girl!
Look what YOU did,
and there are even survivors to talk about it afterward.

Backstory:
After 3 months of marriage in 1970, Al announced:
" If you continue to cook, we will DIE. I'm taking OVER!"

Al has been cooking ever since.

Today, as he left to run errands, he said casually:
"Why don't you make yourself a BLT for lunch?"

Several things belong in this story:
... Had to make a sign so I would remember

1. I have never opened a package of bacon before.

2. I have never microwaved bacon before.

3. I have never used a squeeze top mayonnaise before.

4. I can't find a knife that I think will work
on bacon and tomatoes and toast.

5. I found the lettuce.

6. I cooked the bacon, terrified the whole time...
so I opened the microwave 5 times in 2 minutes.

7. I couldn't figure out how to open the mayo,
so I took the top off, gently...
well, it flew across the room, slinging mayo everywhere.

8. The kitchen looked like there had been a massacre:
tomato juice and seeds everywhere,
mayo on the cabinets and on the floor,
toast crumbs everywhere,
but the bacon looked good.

9. The toast flew out of the toaster and landed on the stove.

10. I couldn't handle the knife to spread the mayo,
for some reason,
so I used a tomato slice to do the job.

11. I cut the top half of the sandwich
and forgot to do the bottom half.

12. It actually tasted okay!

TA-DA!!!

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It is Well

8/15/2019

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https://youtu.be/5uGXeJMB9Go

It is well... with my soul.
As I contemplate this, I have a whirlwind of thoughts.

This has been quite a season of my life. Starting May 20, my health took a dive. I ended up leaving my hometown of 50 years and here I sit in Santa Rosa. My desk is familiar, my computer is familiar. So is my keyboard and my mouse. But everything else is different.

I woke up to this song this morning. As I listened to the words, I realized that I have been striving to be well, rather than standing in the truth that it is well.

It Is Well
Songwriters: Kristene Elizabeth Dimarco / Horatio Gates Spafford / Phil Paul Bliss
It Is Well lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Bethel Music Publishing

"Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus:
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me

And far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
(Chorus)

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
The waves and wind still know His Name"
(Chorus)

When I came to Santa Rosa, I inhaled a breath of fresh air. The scent of the air was wonderful, the sky had never been bluer. The trees and the grass were glittering in the sun and their green was lovely. My feet felt the warmth of the pavement, all is well, I thought. All is well.

As I stepped into the house, I was startled by the open floor plan. Our little home, in Redwood City, of 840 square feet had been wonderful until it wasn't. I relied upon furniture surfing. Furniture Surfing is not a safe activity, according to the experts in the Physical Therapy Field. I needed to use a walker or a wheelchair at all times, and with furniture and bookshelves, there was no room for assistive devices. Trying to scoot around our bed became dangerous for me, and falls were happening regularly.

Al and I started to feel the internal push to move to a different location when we were on vacation in March. We drove into the town of St. Michaels, Maryland, and surprised each other with "let's move here!"

As I am writing there is music playing in the background. The song is Lean Back by Dion Davis:

Lean Back
Capital City Music

You will never leave
Your love sustaining me
Before I even knew what love was

You've brought me here to rest
And given me space to breathe
So I'll stay still until it sinks in

I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat)

Now I can see Your love is better
Than all the others that I've seen
I am breathing deep all of Your goodness
Your loving-kindness to me
(repeat 2x)

I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat 2x)

In St. Michaels, Maryland, Al and I immediately went to a real estate office, and looked at property. We mentioned to each other, doesn't one of our friends have a bed and breakfast in Maryland? I looked it up on Facebook, and yes, our friend Janet Schilling (whom we haven't seen for years) owned a bed in breakfast in St. Michaels, Maryland, called Dr. Dodson House, 3 blocks from where we were staying! We called and met for dinner, and had a lovely reunion! (http://www.drdodsonhouse.com) It was lovely there, but we just couldn't settle on anything. St. Michaels, Maryland stayed in our hearts for 2 months.

By May 20, I was no longer walking. But we still had moving in our minds. One day, I asked Al, what about Santa Rosa? We have always wanted to move to Sonoma County. We went to our Nephew Michael Garcia's graduation from Nursing School party in Chico on the Memorial Day holiday weekend, and on the way back stopped in Santa Rosa at a home we had seen on Zillow. I called the person named on the "For Sale" sign. I introduced myself, and said that we were standing in front of this property and wondered if there was any way we could look at it. He said, "Hmmm, no, not really." I asked about a different day or time. "Hmmm, no, sorry." We stood there, startled. I guess the man wasn't that hungry.

We drove down the block and saw a real estate office. We walked in, and saw a woman with cleaning products in her hand, "Sorry! I was cleaning the bathroom! This is a family business," she chuckled. Turns out she was the exact person we needed to meet. Marie McBride, a broker, specializing in the Oakmont area of Sonoma County. She took us to the "off limits" condo we had planned to see. We realized quickly that stairs were not going to work for me... ever. Also we realized that our 'condo days' were over. It was time to have a single family dwelling again. But no yard work! Do they have microscopic yards? As a matter of fact, they do. And the Homeowners Association takes care of the front yard. Wow. Perfect.

We saw 5 houses, I had a first choice, and Al did not have the same first choice. What I loved about my first choice home was that there was a very open plan, and a room that was designed to be a 9'x16'laundry room, remodeled to be an office with an opening big enough for double doors. I could imagine Al and all of his books and artifacts in that special room. We went home and looked at pictures over and over again. Al finally decided that his first choice matched mine.

I can't remember exactly when, but the house dropped $54,000 one day in June. By this time I was on prednisone, hoping to get my vision and walking back. I didn't like the prednisone this time. I didn't feel well at all. But that didn't stop us from putting an offer on the home on June 15. We didn't know when we would move, maybe 5 years. We would go back and forth and enjoy Sonoma County any time we wanted! We both still had responsibilities in Redwood City and elsewhere. They accepted our offer, really wanting to get out from under the pressure of owning the home. I had been getting steadily worse, and on July 9, we signed papers, I had extremely low vision and could not hear or walk. Marie, our wonderful real estate agent, looked shocked as I struggled to see where to sign. We tried to explain that sometimes this happened. I think it freaked her out completely. I was a bit better when we picked up the keys on July 10. Al's blood pressure went immediately down 20 points.

We found beds that would work in the guest room, and Al started moving things up to the home. He was going back and forth and I spent more time on the couch in the tiny condo in Redwood City. I was not able to see and hear at the same time. If someone was waving their hands, I couldn't watch or I would get sick or not be able to understand them. I tried to live with the unusual symptoms until I was unable to pee and the extreme pain started. I didn't know what to think or do. By July 17, my right arm was drawn up to my neck in a curl, and I couldn't move or walk. I thought, this is not okay. I called 911. The woman on the other end said, "What kind of emergency is this?" I said, "I don't know. I can't move." She said, "well is it medical or are you in danger?" I said, "I don't know." She replied sternly, "well if you can't tell me I can't help you!" I dropped the phone. I kept saying weakly, "please help me." I must have fallen asleep. 1 1/2 hours later, someone pounded on the door, and then rang the bell. I said weakly, "I can't, I can't...". Another hour went by, and someone pounded on the door. I just laid there. I was finally able to reach the phone and I tried to text Al: 911. But instead, I texted 922, 932, 943, 911.

By 1 or 2 pm he arrived home and saw my text. He came in looking grey and frightened. He screamed, "What's wrong??? What's wrong??" I said, I don't know. I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew there was a handsome young man standing over me. I said, "Hi, my name is Barb. I don't know if we have met. What is your name?" He said, "I'm Michael." "Hi Michael! How are you today?" He said, "I want you to move your arms and legs." I couldn't move anything. My arms and legs were just flopping when they lifted them. I think I must have fallen asleep again. I woke up when I felt like someone was moving me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you before? What's your name?" I was put in some kind of big sling, and then I was in the sunshine - it was hot. I think I was put on a gurney or something because I was being bounced around and then put into a truck. I must have gone to sleep again. I woke up and saw another young man in front of me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you?" This was another Michael. I asked where Al was. The Michael told me that Al was at the Hospital. I said, "Oh good, he didn't look very good." I heard another young man say, "Possible dementia." I said, "My friend Gloria has dementia. She is at Kensington Place, it's lovely there!"

I fell asleep again, and woke up again as I was being jostled about again. I had new people with me. I don't remember much. But I think my ER doctor was also a Michael. We talked about everything. I really don't remember what they did or how long I was there. At some point, there was so much noise and jostling, that my body started to go into convulsions. I heard someone say, "This isn't safe! We can't do this!" I fell asleep again. When I woke up, I was in a hospital room and Al was there. Al told me that they put me out and did a CT scan and an Xray. I met my nurse, who was also a Michael. Everyone was so lovely. From the people who cleaned the rooms to the people who cared for me, bathed me and did everything, each person was a delight to meet. I still had my sense of humor, and we laughed a lot. When nurse Michael and another nurse bathed me, I was amazed at how efficient they were and how I felt unexposed even though I was quite exposed. I told them that it was like I was in Lightening McQueen's Car Wash. As Nurse Michael left he said, "Later 'Mater!" I laughed hysterically at the Cars Movie reference. He got it. They all got it.

I had a very special nurse, Julie (not her real name). She is still in my heart! What a lovely young woman! We immediately adopted her as our own.

It seemed like everyone who worked there were on their fist few weeks of employment. I was quite a challenge, going in and out of not seeing and talking or moving, and laughing with all of them. The neurologist wanted an MRI. I finally agreed. I was jostled onto a gurney, and then bounced around. As we waited in a hall for the MRI, there was a mirror above us: a half circle on the ceiling, to make others aware of the location of everyone. It was a lot of movement and I had to turn away. The orderly that was with me started banging on the gurney. I said, "What was that noise?" He said, "oh, I'm playing music." I must have fallen asleep again, this time he was banging louder on the gurney. "What is that noise?" "Oh, I'm playing music." I was wheeled into the MRI room and got on the table but can't tell you how. MRI's are extremely loud and I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I had what felt like knife going through my head, and fire on the back of my head. I pressed the button I was instructed to press. I pressed and I pressed. No response. Finally they brought me out. I said, "I'm in terrible pain and it feels like the back of my head is on fire." The attendant said, "Just a little longer. You have to hold still!" My body began to shake because of the pain. After a while they brought me out and someone jostled me onto the gurney again. My body started convulsing again. Another Michael started hollering at me, "Stop it, Calm DOWN." The more they yelled the more I convulsed. I couldn't help myself and I was in so much pain. I just kept saying "Ow, ow, ow...." I guess they put some kind of bumpers in the gurney so I wouldn't hurt myself. My face was against it, and for some reason, it felt like a banana on my nose. I kept asking, "Why is there a banana on my nose? I don't like this banana. Can someone please take it off my nose?" I guess they tried to bring me back into the hospital room but one of my arms and one of my legs was out of the bars on the gurney. I heard someone yell, "You can't do that! Her arms and legs are in the way!" It hurt but I wasn't really clear on what was happening. I guess they were trying to shove me through the door with my arms and legs out, and I was quite bruised.

I was in and out of extreme pain, and humor and sleepy. We had a wonderful visit with everyone. It was like a party in my room all day and night. Niece Amanda came to visit. I was so happy to see her! Then Peggy from PCC came for a visit.

I guess I was there for 3 days. The last day, the ER doc, who was also a Michael, came in and saw I was upright and okay. He started to cry. The Neurologist said she has determined that even though half of the neurologists in the last 24 years said this is MS, it is not. So what to do. We don't know. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. I told her I always told every doctor, if you think I am crazy please send me to a psychiatrist. Well they never did. Now, that it is finally offered, I will go, and I understand that they can prescribe things for what I am going through. We all determined it was some kind of sensory overload.

I spoke to a speech pathologist, who determined I have a swallowing problem. I was having trouble talking and that gave her the clue. I remember going to Kaiser 20 years ago with a swallowing problem, and they determined none existed. The speech pathologist gave me some thickening to put in liquids and it really helped. If you have ever eaten out with me, you have seen that I have severe reaction to some foods. Especially pepper. First, my right ear becomes flaming red, it spreads across my face, and then I have trouble breathing. Well, it turns out that it is not an allergy, as we assumed, but a stop sign. More on that later.

When we arrived back at the condo and Al rolled me in, I immediately had another convulsion. We figured it was all the books and stuff, different colors and sizes, etc. We did not want to go back to the hospital. So we spoke with our sweet Julie, and she made suggestions that were helpful and I fell asleep.

The next few days are a blur. I am not sure how I started being able to see and listen at the same time, but it finally happened. I made a list of what I called triggers. If I had 2 things, like loudly ringing ears, and perhaps low vision, this was a stop sign. Stop everything and rest, because if there are 3 triggers, like a red ear or someone waving their arms, I will fall apart immediately. I learned how to manage myself.

We decided that I needed to move into the house in Santa Rosa immediately. So I did. Turns out it was designed for someone who was blind and in a wheel chair. Perfect for me! One day I thought I had gotten taller, and I was all excited. Turned out the counters were lower for someone in a wheel chair! At least I could reach the faucet! This house was made for me.

When I was a little girl, I loved watching The Loretta Young Show. https://youtu.be/GgsQr4Kbhrg

I remember that she would walk through double doors and enter so elegantly! The first time that I left the master bath, I noticed it had double doors! I could be Loretta Young several times a day! This house was made for me.

Al has been going back and forth almost daily bringing loads of things for us to sort through. It is wearing him out, but he doesn't like to ask for help. I get it, I am the Queen of Not Asking for Help. It has been hot here, but we have air conditioning, gratefully. I am feeling much better, but can tell that I am still fragile, and wear out easily. I am grateful for the quiet and the alone time.

The last few days I have been walking better, and feeling better. I still have to pay attention if my eyes go blurry and my ears ring loudly. I have been tidying everything. Over the last two days, I have felt that there was something off. I couldn't put my finger on it. I stayed quiet and listened to music a lot. Had a few conversations and FaceTimes, which has helped me not feel so alone.

Then we arrive at this morning. The Song: It is Well by Bethel. Not the traditional version, but an updated version with the same intent. As I listened I understood what was wrong.

When I started this whole mess May 20, I understood that I could rest and not strive to be better, but let the Lord take care of me.

I now see that my natural tendency is to start striving the moment I feel better. I determined today that I must know, deep inside of me, that IT IS WELL. I need to walk, sleep and go through my day, knowing that I am held. I am precious to God. I am His, and He has my future firmly in His hands.

I can't wait to see what is next!

https://youtu.be/YT9Gz6JaCPo

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Goodbye Redwood City 07.28.2019

8/10/2019

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Goodbye Redwood City 07.28.2019

My dearest friends and community... my village,
As I write this, I am so aware that “it takes a village” to manage everyone’s life. My heart aches for those who have not been able to be blessed by dear friends, community and yes, a village, as they missed a life woven with the Master’s Hand into a beautiful tapestry.

I was born in San Francisco 70 years ago this October. My family moved to “where the sun shines” in San Mateo when I was 4.

I married the love of my life in 1970, and, by divine intervention, we have managed many storms and have come out closer and more in love than when we met in World History in our Sophomore Year at Hillsdale HIgh School, in 1964. Because my name was Aslanian and his name, Berens, I sat in front of him and doodled all the time, creating what he called dirty pictures: eyes and eyelashes, perfect noses and smiles.

I spent my life falling down, hitting my head, falling off bicycles, skates, getting my head stuck in chairs, running high fevers, and breaking bones until our first date, the Junior Prom, where I had a cast on my right hand from “playing” basketball. I suppose that if Al would have really thought about it, he would have run the other way as fast as possible, yet he told me he was going to marry me some day, to which I replied: “riiighttt...” (just like Dr. Evil)

We moved into Redwood City to our first apartment at Ebener and Redwood Avenue in 1970. Other than 5 years in Foster City, where we owned our first condo, we lived in Redwood City until this week. I have always loved what all our “friends” used to call Deadwood City. The communities of people have been amazing, especially my very special villages of the Berens family; the Golden Gate Region, Porsche Club of America; New Life Church; the American Research Center in Egypt, Northern California Chapter; Peninsula Covenant Church; and Hair Friends Salon. These groups of people have supported us and saved our lives more than once.

Our lives took a turn after we returned from our 25th Wedding Anniversary trip to Egypt, Israel and Greece. I started to fall down, and have trouble playing the drums, which I deemed “should be illegal because it is so much fun!”

The last 24 years of neurologists, psychologists, MRI’s EMI’s and CT scans, OT, Neuro PT, physicians, and prescriptions, have cost a lot of money but have given temporary relief at best.
My relationship with Jesus, beginning in 1983, healed my life. Nothing bad could really ever happen to me after that. Yes, complicated, ridiculous things happened, but nothing disrupted the inner core of who I was becoming. I have often said, I refuse to let anyone’s behavior change who I am. Believe me, I have had numerous opportunities to test that theory.

May 20, 2019, I woke up and couldn’t walk. This was not a new experience, but normally in about 6 weeks I began to recover, with some lasting affects of what had been damaged. In the past, blindness, hearing loss, inability to speak, taste, walk, feel, and body malfunctions would slowly disappear into the vapor of life and we would go back to “normal”.

This time has been different. Over the last 10 weeks, I have been slowly isolated until all I could do was have phone calls and short visits from loved ones. Every position I have volunteered from has been eliminated as I have had difficulty being in groups or around people. Our condo in Redwood City on Park Atherton Lake, which always felt like a vacation, began to cause me body responses that we alarming. We have figured out that the closeness of the walls, the various colors and shapes and sizes of books, the noise, the traffic, and the 840 square feet we have called home, no longer works for me.

We started visiting Petaluma and Santa Rosa to give me a break. We have always loved Sonoma County, and we found that housing costs have come way down. We found a lovely home in a Sant Rosa senior community which was built for someone in a wheelchair. We put an offer on the home and waited to see the result.

July 17, I began having convulsions and was admitted to Kaiser in Redwood City for 3 days. The moment I was rolled back into our condo, I had another convulsion and almost went directly back to Kaiser. I have slowly been able to understand the stop signs and warning signs that my body is not happy.

I spent my last day in Redwood a few days ago, and although we have no furniture to speak of, the location has improved my health exponentially. It is so quiet here, I feel like I am in Death Valley in the spring or at the Step Pyramid in Egypt in the fall, (two of my favorite places).. Al’s blood pressure dropped 20 points the moment we put an offer in on the house. We believe this will be our best move yet. We really saw our last days as in that little condo on the lake. We now know that this home was meant for us. We attended a little church 5 minutes from our new home, which had a sermon called Face to Face with Jesus, Nick at Night, from John chapters 2 and 3. Peninsula Covenant Church has been in a series called Face to Face, encounters with Jesus. One starts to understand that there is no such thing as a coincidence!

I only have experienced my complete removal from a situation one other time. When I left work just after my last haircut, July 28, 2013.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I know it will be woven with the Master’s Hand into a beautiful tapestry.

GOD loves you intentionally and indefinitely!

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Author

Barb Berens
is a woman
who is learning who she is day by day
with the help of her Heavenly Father.

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BARB'S ARTWORK
It seems to fall into the category of Aleatoric Art. I just scribble & it looks
like something
to me, so
I turn it into
whatever I see.

Aleatoricart posted this description in September 2011 (this is an elevated view in my opinion):

"Aleatoric Art is the ultimate collaboration between
man and the elements. Happenstance, randomness
and a twist
of fate’s unwilling wrist go in halfseys
with some of the most outstanding visionaries
the planet can boast in a peaceful
yet often violent serendipity of
creative cacophony
to produce works of art that go far beyond those
of mere mortals alone."