https://youtu.be/5uGXeJMB9Go
It is well... with my soul.
As I contemplate this, I have a whirlwind of thoughts.
This has been quite a season of my life. Starting May 20, my health took a dive. I ended up leaving my hometown of 50 years and here I sit in Santa Rosa. My desk is familiar, my computer is familiar. So is my keyboard and my mouse. But everything else is different.
I woke up to this song this morning. As I listened to the words, I realized that I have been striving to be well, rather than standing in the truth that it is well.
It Is Well
Songwriters: Kristene Elizabeth Dimarco / Horatio Gates Spafford / Phil Paul Bliss
It Is Well lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Bethel Music Publishing
"Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
Chorus:
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
And far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
(Chorus)
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
The waves and wind still know His Name"
(Chorus)
When I came to Santa Rosa, I inhaled a breath of fresh air. The scent of the air was wonderful, the sky had never been bluer. The trees and the grass were glittering in the sun and their green was lovely. My feet felt the warmth of the pavement, all is well, I thought. All is well.
As I stepped into the house, I was startled by the open floor plan. Our little home, in Redwood City, of 840 square feet had been wonderful until it wasn't. I relied upon furniture surfing. Furniture Surfing is not a safe activity, according to the experts in the Physical Therapy Field. I needed to use a walker or a wheelchair at all times, and with furniture and bookshelves, there was no room for assistive devices. Trying to scoot around our bed became dangerous for me, and falls were happening regularly.
Al and I started to feel the internal push to move to a different location when we were on vacation in March. We drove into the town of St. Michaels, Maryland, and surprised each other with "let's move here!"
As I am writing there is music playing in the background. The song is Lean Back by Dion Davis:
Lean Back
Capital City Music
You will never leave
Your love sustaining me
Before I even knew what love was
You've brought me here to rest
And given me space to breathe
So I'll stay still until it sinks in
I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat)
Now I can see Your love is better
Than all the others that I've seen
I am breathing deep all of Your goodness
Your loving-kindness to me
(repeat 2x)
I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat 2x)
In St. Michaels, Maryland, Al and I immediately went to a real estate office, and looked at property. We mentioned to each other, doesn't one of our friends have a bed and breakfast in Maryland? I looked it up on Facebook, and yes, our friend Janet Schilling (whom we haven't seen for years) owned a bed in breakfast in St. Michaels, Maryland, called Dr. Dodson House, 3 blocks from where we were staying! We called and met for dinner, and had a lovely reunion! (http://www.drdodsonhouse.com) It was lovely there, but we just couldn't settle on anything. St. Michaels, Maryland stayed in our hearts for 2 months.
By May 20, I was no longer walking. But we still had moving in our minds. One day, I asked Al, what about Santa Rosa? We have always wanted to move to Sonoma County. We went to our Nephew Michael Garcia's graduation from Nursing School party in Chico on the Memorial Day holiday weekend, and on the way back stopped in Santa Rosa at a home we had seen on Zillow. I called the person named on the "For Sale" sign. I introduced myself, and said that we were standing in front of this property and wondered if there was any way we could look at it. He said, "Hmmm, no, not really." I asked about a different day or time. "Hmmm, no, sorry." We stood there, startled. I guess the man wasn't that hungry.
We drove down the block and saw a real estate office. We walked in, and saw a woman with cleaning products in her hand, "Sorry! I was cleaning the bathroom! This is a family business," she chuckled. Turns out she was the exact person we needed to meet. Marie McBride, a broker, specializing in the Oakmont area of Sonoma County. She took us to the "off limits" condo we had planned to see. We realized quickly that stairs were not going to work for me... ever. Also we realized that our 'condo days' were over. It was time to have a single family dwelling again. But no yard work! Do they have microscopic yards? As a matter of fact, they do. And the Homeowners Association takes care of the front yard. Wow. Perfect.
We saw 5 houses, I had a first choice, and Al did not have the same first choice. What I loved about my first choice home was that there was a very open plan, and a room that was designed to be a 9'x16'laundry room, remodeled to be an office with an opening big enough for double doors. I could imagine Al and all of his books and artifacts in that special room. We went home and looked at pictures over and over again. Al finally decided that his first choice matched mine.
I can't remember exactly when, but the house dropped $54,000 one day in June. By this time I was on prednisone, hoping to get my vision and walking back. I didn't like the prednisone this time. I didn't feel well at all. But that didn't stop us from putting an offer on the home on June 15. We didn't know when we would move, maybe 5 years. We would go back and forth and enjoy Sonoma County any time we wanted! We both still had responsibilities in Redwood City and elsewhere. They accepted our offer, really wanting to get out from under the pressure of owning the home. I had been getting steadily worse, and on July 9, we signed papers, I had extremely low vision and could not hear or walk. Marie, our wonderful real estate agent, looked shocked as I struggled to see where to sign. We tried to explain that sometimes this happened. I think it freaked her out completely. I was a bit better when we picked up the keys on July 10. Al's blood pressure went immediately down 20 points.
We found beds that would work in the guest room, and Al started moving things up to the home. He was going back and forth and I spent more time on the couch in the tiny condo in Redwood City. I was not able to see and hear at the same time. If someone was waving their hands, I couldn't watch or I would get sick or not be able to understand them. I tried to live with the unusual symptoms until I was unable to pee and the extreme pain started. I didn't know what to think or do. By July 17, my right arm was drawn up to my neck in a curl, and I couldn't move or walk. I thought, this is not okay. I called 911. The woman on the other end said, "What kind of emergency is this?" I said, "I don't know. I can't move." She said, "well is it medical or are you in danger?" I said, "I don't know." She replied sternly, "well if you can't tell me I can't help you!" I dropped the phone. I kept saying weakly, "please help me." I must have fallen asleep. 1 1/2 hours later, someone pounded on the door, and then rang the bell. I said weakly, "I can't, I can't...". Another hour went by, and someone pounded on the door. I just laid there. I was finally able to reach the phone and I tried to text Al: 911. But instead, I texted 922, 932, 943, 911.
By 1 or 2 pm he arrived home and saw my text. He came in looking grey and frightened. He screamed, "What's wrong??? What's wrong??" I said, I don't know. I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew there was a handsome young man standing over me. I said, "Hi, my name is Barb. I don't know if we have met. What is your name?" He said, "I'm Michael." "Hi Michael! How are you today?" He said, "I want you to move your arms and legs." I couldn't move anything. My arms and legs were just flopping when they lifted them. I think I must have fallen asleep again. I woke up when I felt like someone was moving me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you before? What's your name?" I was put in some kind of big sling, and then I was in the sunshine - it was hot. I think I was put on a gurney or something because I was being bounced around and then put into a truck. I must have gone to sleep again. I woke up and saw another young man in front of me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you?" This was another Michael. I asked where Al was. The Michael told me that Al was at the Hospital. I said, "Oh good, he didn't look very good." I heard another young man say, "Possible dementia." I said, "My friend Gloria has dementia. She is at Kensington Place, it's lovely there!"
I fell asleep again, and woke up again as I was being jostled about again. I had new people with me. I don't remember much. But I think my ER doctor was also a Michael. We talked about everything. I really don't remember what they did or how long I was there. At some point, there was so much noise and jostling, that my body started to go into convulsions. I heard someone say, "This isn't safe! We can't do this!" I fell asleep again. When I woke up, I was in a hospital room and Al was there. Al told me that they put me out and did a CT scan and an Xray. I met my nurse, who was also a Michael. Everyone was so lovely. From the people who cleaned the rooms to the people who cared for me, bathed me and did everything, each person was a delight to meet. I still had my sense of humor, and we laughed a lot. When nurse Michael and another nurse bathed me, I was amazed at how efficient they were and how I felt unexposed even though I was quite exposed. I told them that it was like I was in Lightening McQueen's Car Wash. As Nurse Michael left he said, "Later 'Mater!" I laughed hysterically at the Cars Movie reference. He got it. They all got it.
I had a very special nurse, Julie (not her real name). She is still in my heart! What a lovely young woman! We immediately adopted her as our own.
It seemed like everyone who worked there were on their fist few weeks of employment. I was quite a challenge, going in and out of not seeing and talking or moving, and laughing with all of them. The neurologist wanted an MRI. I finally agreed. I was jostled onto a gurney, and then bounced around. As we waited in a hall for the MRI, there was a mirror above us: a half circle on the ceiling, to make others aware of the location of everyone. It was a lot of movement and I had to turn away. The orderly that was with me started banging on the gurney. I said, "What was that noise?" He said, "oh, I'm playing music." I must have fallen asleep again, this time he was banging louder on the gurney. "What is that noise?" "Oh, I'm playing music." I was wheeled into the MRI room and got on the table but can't tell you how. MRI's are extremely loud and I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I had what felt like knife going through my head, and fire on the back of my head. I pressed the button I was instructed to press. I pressed and I pressed. No response. Finally they brought me out. I said, "I'm in terrible pain and it feels like the back of my head is on fire." The attendant said, "Just a little longer. You have to hold still!" My body began to shake because of the pain. After a while they brought me out and someone jostled me onto the gurney again. My body started convulsing again. Another Michael started hollering at me, "Stop it, Calm DOWN." The more they yelled the more I convulsed. I couldn't help myself and I was in so much pain. I just kept saying "Ow, ow, ow...." I guess they put some kind of bumpers in the gurney so I wouldn't hurt myself. My face was against it, and for some reason, it felt like a banana on my nose. I kept asking, "Why is there a banana on my nose? I don't like this banana. Can someone please take it off my nose?" I guess they tried to bring me back into the hospital room but one of my arms and one of my legs was out of the bars on the gurney. I heard someone yell, "You can't do that! Her arms and legs are in the way!" It hurt but I wasn't really clear on what was happening. I guess they were trying to shove me through the door with my arms and legs out, and I was quite bruised.
I was in and out of extreme pain, and humor and sleepy. We had a wonderful visit with everyone. It was like a party in my room all day and night. Niece Amanda came to visit. I was so happy to see her! Then Peggy from PCC came for a visit.
I guess I was there for 3 days. The last day, the ER doc, who was also a Michael, came in and saw I was upright and okay. He started to cry. The Neurologist said she has determined that even though half of the neurologists in the last 24 years said this is MS, it is not. So what to do. We don't know. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. I told her I always told every doctor, if you think I am crazy please send me to a psychiatrist. Well they never did. Now, that it is finally offered, I will go, and I understand that they can prescribe things for what I am going through. We all determined it was some kind of sensory overload.
I spoke to a speech pathologist, who determined I have a swallowing problem. I was having trouble talking and that gave her the clue. I remember going to Kaiser 20 years ago with a swallowing problem, and they determined none existed. The speech pathologist gave me some thickening to put in liquids and it really helped. If you have ever eaten out with me, you have seen that I have severe reaction to some foods. Especially pepper. First, my right ear becomes flaming red, it spreads across my face, and then I have trouble breathing. Well, it turns out that it is not an allergy, as we assumed, but a stop sign. More on that later.
When we arrived back at the condo and Al rolled me in, I immediately had another convulsion. We figured it was all the books and stuff, different colors and sizes, etc. We did not want to go back to the hospital. So we spoke with our sweet Julie, and she made suggestions that were helpful and I fell asleep.
The next few days are a blur. I am not sure how I started being able to see and listen at the same time, but it finally happened. I made a list of what I called triggers. If I had 2 things, like loudly ringing ears, and perhaps low vision, this was a stop sign. Stop everything and rest, because if there are 3 triggers, like a red ear or someone waving their arms, I will fall apart immediately. I learned how to manage myself.
We decided that I needed to move into the house in Santa Rosa immediately. So I did. Turns out it was designed for someone who was blind and in a wheel chair. Perfect for me! One day I thought I had gotten taller, and I was all excited. Turned out the counters were lower for someone in a wheel chair! At least I could reach the faucet! This house was made for me.
When I was a little girl, I loved watching The Loretta Young Show. https://youtu.be/GgsQr4Kbhrg
I remember that she would walk through double doors and enter so elegantly! The first time that I left the master bath, I noticed it had double doors! I could be Loretta Young several times a day! This house was made for me.
Al has been going back and forth almost daily bringing loads of things for us to sort through. It is wearing him out, but he doesn't like to ask for help. I get it, I am the Queen of Not Asking for Help. It has been hot here, but we have air conditioning, gratefully. I am feeling much better, but can tell that I am still fragile, and wear out easily. I am grateful for the quiet and the alone time.
The last few days I have been walking better, and feeling better. I still have to pay attention if my eyes go blurry and my ears ring loudly. I have been tidying everything. Over the last two days, I have felt that there was something off. I couldn't put my finger on it. I stayed quiet and listened to music a lot. Had a few conversations and FaceTimes, which has helped me not feel so alone.
Then we arrive at this morning. The Song: It is Well by Bethel. Not the traditional version, but an updated version with the same intent. As I listened I understood what was wrong.
When I started this whole mess May 20, I understood that I could rest and not strive to be better, but let the Lord take care of me.
I now see that my natural tendency is to start striving the moment I feel better. I determined today that I must know, deep inside of me, that IT IS WELL. I need to walk, sleep and go through my day, knowing that I am held. I am precious to God. I am His, and He has my future firmly in His hands.
I can't wait to see what is next!
As I contemplate this, I have a whirlwind of thoughts.
This has been quite a season of my life. Starting May 20, my health took a dive. I ended up leaving my hometown of 50 years and here I sit in Santa Rosa. My desk is familiar, my computer is familiar. So is my keyboard and my mouse. But everything else is different.
I woke up to this song this morning. As I listened to the words, I realized that I have been striving to be well, rather than standing in the truth that it is well.
It Is Well
Songwriters: Kristene Elizabeth Dimarco / Horatio Gates Spafford / Phil Paul Bliss
It Is Well lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Bethel Music Publishing
"Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
Chorus:
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
And far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
(Chorus)
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
The waves and wind still know His Name"
(Chorus)
When I came to Santa Rosa, I inhaled a breath of fresh air. The scent of the air was wonderful, the sky had never been bluer. The trees and the grass were glittering in the sun and their green was lovely. My feet felt the warmth of the pavement, all is well, I thought. All is well.
As I stepped into the house, I was startled by the open floor plan. Our little home, in Redwood City, of 840 square feet had been wonderful until it wasn't. I relied upon furniture surfing. Furniture Surfing is not a safe activity, according to the experts in the Physical Therapy Field. I needed to use a walker or a wheelchair at all times, and with furniture and bookshelves, there was no room for assistive devices. Trying to scoot around our bed became dangerous for me, and falls were happening regularly.
Al and I started to feel the internal push to move to a different location when we were on vacation in March. We drove into the town of St. Michaels, Maryland, and surprised each other with "let's move here!"
As I am writing there is music playing in the background. The song is Lean Back by Dion Davis:
Lean Back
Capital City Music
You will never leave
Your love sustaining me
Before I even knew what love was
You've brought me here to rest
And given me space to breathe
So I'll stay still until it sinks in
I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat)
Now I can see Your love is better
Than all the others that I've seen
I am breathing deep all of Your goodness
Your loving-kindness to me
(repeat 2x)
I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He's a love like no other
(repeat 2x)
In St. Michaels, Maryland, Al and I immediately went to a real estate office, and looked at property. We mentioned to each other, doesn't one of our friends have a bed and breakfast in Maryland? I looked it up on Facebook, and yes, our friend Janet Schilling (whom we haven't seen for years) owned a bed in breakfast in St. Michaels, Maryland, called Dr. Dodson House, 3 blocks from where we were staying! We called and met for dinner, and had a lovely reunion! (http://www.drdodsonhouse.com) It was lovely there, but we just couldn't settle on anything. St. Michaels, Maryland stayed in our hearts for 2 months.
By May 20, I was no longer walking. But we still had moving in our minds. One day, I asked Al, what about Santa Rosa? We have always wanted to move to Sonoma County. We went to our Nephew Michael Garcia's graduation from Nursing School party in Chico on the Memorial Day holiday weekend, and on the way back stopped in Santa Rosa at a home we had seen on Zillow. I called the person named on the "For Sale" sign. I introduced myself, and said that we were standing in front of this property and wondered if there was any way we could look at it. He said, "Hmmm, no, not really." I asked about a different day or time. "Hmmm, no, sorry." We stood there, startled. I guess the man wasn't that hungry.
We drove down the block and saw a real estate office. We walked in, and saw a woman with cleaning products in her hand, "Sorry! I was cleaning the bathroom! This is a family business," she chuckled. Turns out she was the exact person we needed to meet. Marie McBride, a broker, specializing in the Oakmont area of Sonoma County. She took us to the "off limits" condo we had planned to see. We realized quickly that stairs were not going to work for me... ever. Also we realized that our 'condo days' were over. It was time to have a single family dwelling again. But no yard work! Do they have microscopic yards? As a matter of fact, they do. And the Homeowners Association takes care of the front yard. Wow. Perfect.
We saw 5 houses, I had a first choice, and Al did not have the same first choice. What I loved about my first choice home was that there was a very open plan, and a room that was designed to be a 9'x16'laundry room, remodeled to be an office with an opening big enough for double doors. I could imagine Al and all of his books and artifacts in that special room. We went home and looked at pictures over and over again. Al finally decided that his first choice matched mine.
I can't remember exactly when, but the house dropped $54,000 one day in June. By this time I was on prednisone, hoping to get my vision and walking back. I didn't like the prednisone this time. I didn't feel well at all. But that didn't stop us from putting an offer on the home on June 15. We didn't know when we would move, maybe 5 years. We would go back and forth and enjoy Sonoma County any time we wanted! We both still had responsibilities in Redwood City and elsewhere. They accepted our offer, really wanting to get out from under the pressure of owning the home. I had been getting steadily worse, and on July 9, we signed papers, I had extremely low vision and could not hear or walk. Marie, our wonderful real estate agent, looked shocked as I struggled to see where to sign. We tried to explain that sometimes this happened. I think it freaked her out completely. I was a bit better when we picked up the keys on July 10. Al's blood pressure went immediately down 20 points.
We found beds that would work in the guest room, and Al started moving things up to the home. He was going back and forth and I spent more time on the couch in the tiny condo in Redwood City. I was not able to see and hear at the same time. If someone was waving their hands, I couldn't watch or I would get sick or not be able to understand them. I tried to live with the unusual symptoms until I was unable to pee and the extreme pain started. I didn't know what to think or do. By July 17, my right arm was drawn up to my neck in a curl, and I couldn't move or walk. I thought, this is not okay. I called 911. The woman on the other end said, "What kind of emergency is this?" I said, "I don't know. I can't move." She said, "well is it medical or are you in danger?" I said, "I don't know." She replied sternly, "well if you can't tell me I can't help you!" I dropped the phone. I kept saying weakly, "please help me." I must have fallen asleep. 1 1/2 hours later, someone pounded on the door, and then rang the bell. I said weakly, "I can't, I can't...". Another hour went by, and someone pounded on the door. I just laid there. I was finally able to reach the phone and I tried to text Al: 911. But instead, I texted 922, 932, 943, 911.
By 1 or 2 pm he arrived home and saw my text. He came in looking grey and frightened. He screamed, "What's wrong??? What's wrong??" I said, I don't know. I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew there was a handsome young man standing over me. I said, "Hi, my name is Barb. I don't know if we have met. What is your name?" He said, "I'm Michael." "Hi Michael! How are you today?" He said, "I want you to move your arms and legs." I couldn't move anything. My arms and legs were just flopping when they lifted them. I think I must have fallen asleep again. I woke up when I felt like someone was moving me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you before? What's your name?" I was put in some kind of big sling, and then I was in the sunshine - it was hot. I think I was put on a gurney or something because I was being bounced around and then put into a truck. I must have gone to sleep again. I woke up and saw another young man in front of me. "Hi, I'm Barb. Have I met you?" This was another Michael. I asked where Al was. The Michael told me that Al was at the Hospital. I said, "Oh good, he didn't look very good." I heard another young man say, "Possible dementia." I said, "My friend Gloria has dementia. She is at Kensington Place, it's lovely there!"
I fell asleep again, and woke up again as I was being jostled about again. I had new people with me. I don't remember much. But I think my ER doctor was also a Michael. We talked about everything. I really don't remember what they did or how long I was there. At some point, there was so much noise and jostling, that my body started to go into convulsions. I heard someone say, "This isn't safe! We can't do this!" I fell asleep again. When I woke up, I was in a hospital room and Al was there. Al told me that they put me out and did a CT scan and an Xray. I met my nurse, who was also a Michael. Everyone was so lovely. From the people who cleaned the rooms to the people who cared for me, bathed me and did everything, each person was a delight to meet. I still had my sense of humor, and we laughed a lot. When nurse Michael and another nurse bathed me, I was amazed at how efficient they were and how I felt unexposed even though I was quite exposed. I told them that it was like I was in Lightening McQueen's Car Wash. As Nurse Michael left he said, "Later 'Mater!" I laughed hysterically at the Cars Movie reference. He got it. They all got it.
I had a very special nurse, Julie (not her real name). She is still in my heart! What a lovely young woman! We immediately adopted her as our own.
It seemed like everyone who worked there were on their fist few weeks of employment. I was quite a challenge, going in and out of not seeing and talking or moving, and laughing with all of them. The neurologist wanted an MRI. I finally agreed. I was jostled onto a gurney, and then bounced around. As we waited in a hall for the MRI, there was a mirror above us: a half circle on the ceiling, to make others aware of the location of everyone. It was a lot of movement and I had to turn away. The orderly that was with me started banging on the gurney. I said, "What was that noise?" He said, "oh, I'm playing music." I must have fallen asleep again, this time he was banging louder on the gurney. "What is that noise?" "Oh, I'm playing music." I was wheeled into the MRI room and got on the table but can't tell you how. MRI's are extremely loud and I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I had what felt like knife going through my head, and fire on the back of my head. I pressed the button I was instructed to press. I pressed and I pressed. No response. Finally they brought me out. I said, "I'm in terrible pain and it feels like the back of my head is on fire." The attendant said, "Just a little longer. You have to hold still!" My body began to shake because of the pain. After a while they brought me out and someone jostled me onto the gurney again. My body started convulsing again. Another Michael started hollering at me, "Stop it, Calm DOWN." The more they yelled the more I convulsed. I couldn't help myself and I was in so much pain. I just kept saying "Ow, ow, ow...." I guess they put some kind of bumpers in the gurney so I wouldn't hurt myself. My face was against it, and for some reason, it felt like a banana on my nose. I kept asking, "Why is there a banana on my nose? I don't like this banana. Can someone please take it off my nose?" I guess they tried to bring me back into the hospital room but one of my arms and one of my legs was out of the bars on the gurney. I heard someone yell, "You can't do that! Her arms and legs are in the way!" It hurt but I wasn't really clear on what was happening. I guess they were trying to shove me through the door with my arms and legs out, and I was quite bruised.
I was in and out of extreme pain, and humor and sleepy. We had a wonderful visit with everyone. It was like a party in my room all day and night. Niece Amanda came to visit. I was so happy to see her! Then Peggy from PCC came for a visit.
I guess I was there for 3 days. The last day, the ER doc, who was also a Michael, came in and saw I was upright and okay. He started to cry. The Neurologist said she has determined that even though half of the neurologists in the last 24 years said this is MS, it is not. So what to do. We don't know. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. I told her I always told every doctor, if you think I am crazy please send me to a psychiatrist. Well they never did. Now, that it is finally offered, I will go, and I understand that they can prescribe things for what I am going through. We all determined it was some kind of sensory overload.
I spoke to a speech pathologist, who determined I have a swallowing problem. I was having trouble talking and that gave her the clue. I remember going to Kaiser 20 years ago with a swallowing problem, and they determined none existed. The speech pathologist gave me some thickening to put in liquids and it really helped. If you have ever eaten out with me, you have seen that I have severe reaction to some foods. Especially pepper. First, my right ear becomes flaming red, it spreads across my face, and then I have trouble breathing. Well, it turns out that it is not an allergy, as we assumed, but a stop sign. More on that later.
When we arrived back at the condo and Al rolled me in, I immediately had another convulsion. We figured it was all the books and stuff, different colors and sizes, etc. We did not want to go back to the hospital. So we spoke with our sweet Julie, and she made suggestions that were helpful and I fell asleep.
The next few days are a blur. I am not sure how I started being able to see and listen at the same time, but it finally happened. I made a list of what I called triggers. If I had 2 things, like loudly ringing ears, and perhaps low vision, this was a stop sign. Stop everything and rest, because if there are 3 triggers, like a red ear or someone waving their arms, I will fall apart immediately. I learned how to manage myself.
We decided that I needed to move into the house in Santa Rosa immediately. So I did. Turns out it was designed for someone who was blind and in a wheel chair. Perfect for me! One day I thought I had gotten taller, and I was all excited. Turned out the counters were lower for someone in a wheel chair! At least I could reach the faucet! This house was made for me.
When I was a little girl, I loved watching The Loretta Young Show. https://youtu.be/GgsQr4Kbhrg
I remember that she would walk through double doors and enter so elegantly! The first time that I left the master bath, I noticed it had double doors! I could be Loretta Young several times a day! This house was made for me.
Al has been going back and forth almost daily bringing loads of things for us to sort through. It is wearing him out, but he doesn't like to ask for help. I get it, I am the Queen of Not Asking for Help. It has been hot here, but we have air conditioning, gratefully. I am feeling much better, but can tell that I am still fragile, and wear out easily. I am grateful for the quiet and the alone time.
The last few days I have been walking better, and feeling better. I still have to pay attention if my eyes go blurry and my ears ring loudly. I have been tidying everything. Over the last two days, I have felt that there was something off. I couldn't put my finger on it. I stayed quiet and listened to music a lot. Had a few conversations and FaceTimes, which has helped me not feel so alone.
Then we arrive at this morning. The Song: It is Well by Bethel. Not the traditional version, but an updated version with the same intent. As I listened I understood what was wrong.
When I started this whole mess May 20, I understood that I could rest and not strive to be better, but let the Lord take care of me.
I now see that my natural tendency is to start striving the moment I feel better. I determined today that I must know, deep inside of me, that IT IS WELL. I need to walk, sleep and go through my day, knowing that I am held. I am precious to God. I am His, and He has my future firmly in His hands.
I can't wait to see what is next!
https://youtu.be/YT9Gz6JaCPo