Colossians 3:23 - 24:"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
The message this week was on disconnecting. Then I read this scripture this morning and think, what??
I am tired. I got our taxes together finally last night. I have still have Gloria's and my mom's to get ready for the Tax Wonderful Man, John Miclean, and his wonderful staff, Emily, Missy, Karen and Kate. The directions are clear, I can see a tiny portion of the top of my desk (see photo on the right, Isis and my desk). Oh yes, I still have some work to do for the volunteer treasurer position that I hold. And oh, yes, we are going to be moving soon. I look at my office, and despair: what am I going to do with all of this stuff????
I have been working with all my heart. I rarely do anything 'half heartedly'. I remember a pastor once told me that I will never be on a curb drinking out of a paper bag. I didn't really know what he meant, but I think I know more now. I am not going to just sit around, no matter what.
So here is the confusion. Who am I working for? Am I working for me? Am I working for the way I want things to look because it reflects on me? Am I working as if I am serving the Lord, or me?
While Gloria was living with us, one night I had called her to dinner 5 times. Each day that week, I had spent 4 hours cleaning the house. I was completely spent and empty. Finally, when Gloria made it to the dinner table, I realized I couldn't eat, I realized I couldn't even stay. I had to escape.
I got in the car and drove up and down El Camino sobbing for 2 hours. I cried out to the Lord: I can't do this! I don't know what to do! Please help me! I cried and cried. After about 2 1/2 hours I came home. Gloria had gone to bed and so had Al. I went in to apologize to Al. He said, you don't have to apologize, I would have left too. What a wonderful husband! That day we knew that we were no longer able to give Gloria the care she needed, we had to move her to assisted living if I was going to survive.
So going back to the question, who am I serving? When I look back at that time, I still don't know. The pressure was so great, that I was just surviving. I do like things to look a certain way, because it is more restful to me. I want things to look nice. I want to take care of myself. So when burn out comes, what has happened?
Lately I have been watching a new television show called "Code Black". It is a story about when hospitals have more patients than resources, and how they survive all of it and save the patients, but some do not make it. I have gone into Code Black mode. Along with the MS, the doc says I may have fibromyalgia, which causes intense pain and tender points. Yesterday, I thought I was doing pretty well. I began to feel sick, have pain radiating from my neck down my shoulders to my hands. Nothing helped. It was making me crazy and I checked my sugar and blood pressure. Both were high. Was it the pain? What was going on? All of my resources were gone. The pile on my desk remained. I didn't even want to walk into my office. I packed a few things. Watched the X games, had a pedicure, visited the salon and Jan and her mom. I couldn't get away from myself. I finally took tylenol pm and went to sleep about 9:30.
I am better today. I think I am out of Code Black. But as I look at my office, I want to run. What can I do?
One week we sang a song at church with these words: "I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lean back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat." Just typing that is calming. I have a very good imagination, and I can imagine that. I always have seen God in my imagination as 'big knees'. I imagine the Lincoln Memorial in D.C. When I finally saw those big knees of Lincoln a few years ago, I just cried. Yes, the Big Knees of Jesus are healing for me. I need to stop and unplug and disconnect. I need to rest my mind, body and soul. I need to stop feeling guilty about not visiting Gloria every second, and start to take care of myself. Most who have known me could say, you say that every year. So what can I do? Nothing. I can do nothing about nothing and everything. I need to learn how to take care of myself God's way. I need to lean against Him and not try so hard. I will never be on the curb with a paper bag. I don't have to worry about that at least.
In our bible study this week I thought about Moses saying: unless You go with us we aren't going (see Exodus 33:15). He wasn't going another foot unless God was clearly with him and His people. I want to adopt that attitude and belief. I will wait. I will anticipate. I will wait with expectation. Waiting means not doing. When waiting, I can regenerate, recoup, and revive.
Where shall I wait? I can wait just about anywhere. I can wait with a cat on my lap. I can wait in my car. I can wait in bed. I can wait on a walk. I can wait while I eat dinner with Al. I can wait having coffee with a friend.
Years ago I knew the Lord was leading me to be a human being, not a human doing. Then, in 1995, I began to become a human being, mainly because I couldn't "do". I started falling down, my face tingled, I could no longer play the drums. I didn't know where my feet were, something was wrong. It was finally diagnosed as MS. There is no cure at this point, but there is management. Rest is the most important factor for me. I know I drive my friends and family crazy as I continue to not rest.
When growing up, the only time we were allowed to rest was when we were sick. So I guess I had to get sick to rest. With a chronic condition you have to learn eventually, because it is not going away, it continues to progress. So stop already!!
I think that all of our lives are in Code Black, especially in the San Francisco Bay area, and it is celebrated! The craziness is celebrated! How can we turn the tide? How can we stop this madness?
Colossians 3:23 - 24:"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.m It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
This is what the Life Application Study Bible says about this scripture: "Colossians 3:23: Since the creation, God has given us work to do. If we could regard our work as an act of worship or service to God, such an attitude would take some of the drudgery and boredom out of it. We could work without complaining or resentment if we would treat our job problems as the cost of discipleship." (Tyndale (2012-02-17). Life Application Study Bible NIV). I am not sure that helps me.
This might help:
Romans 12:1-2: "in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
Do not conform, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. My mind is in the Code Black burn mode. It is conforming and it needs transforming. Can I remind myself whose I am moment by moment? Can I rest in my mind, knowing that I am serving God rather than the house or car or people? Transform me Lord! Remove the walls that I have built to protect myself from hurtful things. Those walls keep You out also. Help me relax in Your arms, rest by leaning fully upon You. Help me make this a priority, instead of the last thing I do before I fall apart. I want to have Your priorities, not mine.
Well Gloria's taxes got done since I started writing this. I can see part of my desk. I still need to do Ma's taxes, and move this week. But, oh, well. Those things will get done, and I want to go to church today, and sit at His feet, drink from the cup in His hand, lean against Him and breathe, feel His heartbeat.
Thank You Lord for loving me enough to not let me stay in Code Black.
The message this week was on disconnecting. Then I read this scripture this morning and think, what??
I am tired. I got our taxes together finally last night. I have still have Gloria's and my mom's to get ready for the Tax Wonderful Man, John Miclean, and his wonderful staff, Emily, Missy, Karen and Kate. The directions are clear, I can see a tiny portion of the top of my desk (see photo on the right, Isis and my desk). Oh yes, I still have some work to do for the volunteer treasurer position that I hold. And oh, yes, we are going to be moving soon. I look at my office, and despair: what am I going to do with all of this stuff????
I have been working with all my heart. I rarely do anything 'half heartedly'. I remember a pastor once told me that I will never be on a curb drinking out of a paper bag. I didn't really know what he meant, but I think I know more now. I am not going to just sit around, no matter what.
So here is the confusion. Who am I working for? Am I working for me? Am I working for the way I want things to look because it reflects on me? Am I working as if I am serving the Lord, or me?
While Gloria was living with us, one night I had called her to dinner 5 times. Each day that week, I had spent 4 hours cleaning the house. I was completely spent and empty. Finally, when Gloria made it to the dinner table, I realized I couldn't eat, I realized I couldn't even stay. I had to escape.
I got in the car and drove up and down El Camino sobbing for 2 hours. I cried out to the Lord: I can't do this! I don't know what to do! Please help me! I cried and cried. After about 2 1/2 hours I came home. Gloria had gone to bed and so had Al. I went in to apologize to Al. He said, you don't have to apologize, I would have left too. What a wonderful husband! That day we knew that we were no longer able to give Gloria the care she needed, we had to move her to assisted living if I was going to survive.
So going back to the question, who am I serving? When I look back at that time, I still don't know. The pressure was so great, that I was just surviving. I do like things to look a certain way, because it is more restful to me. I want things to look nice. I want to take care of myself. So when burn out comes, what has happened?
Lately I have been watching a new television show called "Code Black". It is a story about when hospitals have more patients than resources, and how they survive all of it and save the patients, but some do not make it. I have gone into Code Black mode. Along with the MS, the doc says I may have fibromyalgia, which causes intense pain and tender points. Yesterday, I thought I was doing pretty well. I began to feel sick, have pain radiating from my neck down my shoulders to my hands. Nothing helped. It was making me crazy and I checked my sugar and blood pressure. Both were high. Was it the pain? What was going on? All of my resources were gone. The pile on my desk remained. I didn't even want to walk into my office. I packed a few things. Watched the X games, had a pedicure, visited the salon and Jan and her mom. I couldn't get away from myself. I finally took tylenol pm and went to sleep about 9:30.
I am better today. I think I am out of Code Black. But as I look at my office, I want to run. What can I do?
One week we sang a song at church with these words: "I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lean back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat." Just typing that is calming. I have a very good imagination, and I can imagine that. I always have seen God in my imagination as 'big knees'. I imagine the Lincoln Memorial in D.C. When I finally saw those big knees of Lincoln a few years ago, I just cried. Yes, the Big Knees of Jesus are healing for me. I need to stop and unplug and disconnect. I need to rest my mind, body and soul. I need to stop feeling guilty about not visiting Gloria every second, and start to take care of myself. Most who have known me could say, you say that every year. So what can I do? Nothing. I can do nothing about nothing and everything. I need to learn how to take care of myself God's way. I need to lean against Him and not try so hard. I will never be on the curb with a paper bag. I don't have to worry about that at least.
In our bible study this week I thought about Moses saying: unless You go with us we aren't going (see Exodus 33:15). He wasn't going another foot unless God was clearly with him and His people. I want to adopt that attitude and belief. I will wait. I will anticipate. I will wait with expectation. Waiting means not doing. When waiting, I can regenerate, recoup, and revive.
Where shall I wait? I can wait just about anywhere. I can wait with a cat on my lap. I can wait in my car. I can wait in bed. I can wait on a walk. I can wait while I eat dinner with Al. I can wait having coffee with a friend.
Years ago I knew the Lord was leading me to be a human being, not a human doing. Then, in 1995, I began to become a human being, mainly because I couldn't "do". I started falling down, my face tingled, I could no longer play the drums. I didn't know where my feet were, something was wrong. It was finally diagnosed as MS. There is no cure at this point, but there is management. Rest is the most important factor for me. I know I drive my friends and family crazy as I continue to not rest.
When growing up, the only time we were allowed to rest was when we were sick. So I guess I had to get sick to rest. With a chronic condition you have to learn eventually, because it is not going away, it continues to progress. So stop already!!
I think that all of our lives are in Code Black, especially in the San Francisco Bay area, and it is celebrated! The craziness is celebrated! How can we turn the tide? How can we stop this madness?
Colossians 3:23 - 24:"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.m It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
This is what the Life Application Study Bible says about this scripture: "Colossians 3:23: Since the creation, God has given us work to do. If we could regard our work as an act of worship or service to God, such an attitude would take some of the drudgery and boredom out of it. We could work without complaining or resentment if we would treat our job problems as the cost of discipleship." (Tyndale (2012-02-17). Life Application Study Bible NIV). I am not sure that helps me.
This might help:
Romans 12:1-2: "in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."
Do not conform, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. My mind is in the Code Black burn mode. It is conforming and it needs transforming. Can I remind myself whose I am moment by moment? Can I rest in my mind, knowing that I am serving God rather than the house or car or people? Transform me Lord! Remove the walls that I have built to protect myself from hurtful things. Those walls keep You out also. Help me relax in Your arms, rest by leaning fully upon You. Help me make this a priority, instead of the last thing I do before I fall apart. I want to have Your priorities, not mine.
Well Gloria's taxes got done since I started writing this. I can see part of my desk. I still need to do Ma's taxes, and move this week. But, oh, well. Those things will get done, and I want to go to church today, and sit at His feet, drink from the cup in His hand, lean against Him and breathe, feel His heartbeat.
Thank You Lord for loving me enough to not let me stay in Code Black.
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